Get The Hump

I have repeatedly told people that we are taking risks when we have wierd and wonderful animals at Greenbelt. They don't believe me. Well look at this. The camel lay on top of her. It was considered to possibly even be a "sort of sexual thing". Apparently the camel hadn't been given enough discipline. Although why a male camel would be into suspenders and a whip escapes me.

Tra La La

There are more stories. I don't know exactly how many more, but there are more.

Like the night of the sweep. This brings together some security work with golf buggies. Possibly an incongruous mix.

This year at Greenbelt we had golf buggies working as taxis. Excellent idea to help people get around at a low cost. Let's ignore the tension, that might be someone elses call, but just accept that the theory was good.

Anyway on the second night we wanted to do a sweep of the helicopter field. Not that there was a problem but it was an exercise that we needed to do. So somehow we needed to get 24 stewards up there. We decided that we would borrow some golf buggies. While most of the team were being briefed I took another three stewards as drivers for a quick training on how to drive buggies (relatively easy - accelerator, brake, forward and reverse, left and right). Then we set off to collect the rest of the team. It was impossible to avoid singing the theme tune to the Banana Splits as we went down the hill, 4 buggies in a line, me leading. Then we collected our stewards and set off again, 6 stewards in high viz jackets per buggy. This demanded a change. Of course the Banana Splits was no longer suitable. So we headed towards the helicopter field singing the "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now". All we needed was speakers on the roof.

Front or Back

It has to be said that some of the team take things more seriously than others. On the last night we had a report of a possible sighting of some locals trying to get in. I drove Zippie, Guilty and McVicar (if you are not a Greenbelt regular then I have to promise you that these are the real names) up to the nearest point (via a rather nice scenic route) then we got out to walk. It was dusk as we started traipsing across the field in a line - McVicar first, then Zippie then Guilty and myself. As they walked ahead of us they lined up so well that McVicar vanished from view, eclipsed by Zippie (more because McVicar is small than Zippie is big).

And I said something along the lines of "they're picking us off one by one". Almost at the same time Guilty and I thought of the same thing, a scene from Red Dwarf, I suspect from "Polymorph" but am ready to be corrected. In it the four "heroes" are hunting, or being hunted by, an alien. As they walk along someone says it is always the person at the front who gets killed first. Rimmer therefore tries to get to the back. But someone else says that it is always the person at the back who gets picked off. This leads to a dilemma for Rimmer as to where in the line he should stand. And I believe that Guilty and I did a very good re-enactment of the scene which entails a certain degree of running around in circles trying to be at both the front and the back at the same time.

I am fairly sure I heard McVicar tutting.

Later correction (before anyone beats me to it): In fact it was "DNA" and the script goes like this:

RIMMER and KRYTEN are about to venture down a darkened corridor. RIMMER pauses, cowardice writ large upon his features, then turns to KRYTEN.

RIMMER: Uh, Kryten, take point. I've seen those movies. It's always the guy in the lead who buys it first. You take the front.

KRYTEN: Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir, in my experience it's usually the poor fellow who's bringing up the rear that gets picked off first, so the others aren't aware that they're under attack.

RIMMER: You're right, you're right. Can you take the front and the back, so I can go in the middle?

KRYTEN: I'll do my best, sir.They advance down the corridor cautiously.

KRYTEN, in front, shufflesround to the back, then he and RIMMER sidle around one another. They proceed in this fashion down the corridor, KRYTEN alternately taking point and bringing up the rear, whilst RIMMER looks out for any kind of danger.

Getting Wet

As managers of the Support Team for Greenbelt, Zippie and I are really very lucky. We get to bathe in a lot of reflected glory. Our team do an incredibly good job, mainly (I think) because they have bonded so well. We can rely on them to do what is asked of them, whether it be queues, traffic or security. And then people thank Zippie and me for what has been done. But in reality, once you get over the fact that managing the team is much like juggling water, then we don't do much. And juggling water isn't that hard!

Alone In A Crowd

Surrounded by thousands
Yet able to find
One quiet
Lifetime
Together
A Lifetime
Made of that second
That minute
That hour
Touching

Stroking your face

Matches

Looking behind
Flames Rising
And I wonder
If I really should
Have burnt that bridge

Homeland

32000 houses to be built in the South East. But will it really help. Is the problem a lack of housing? I don't think so. Inappropriate housing built in appropriate places is the problem. But, more importantly, these houses get built without a supporting infrastructure. Houses go up but without new doctors, new schools, decent bus services, or even pubs/restaurants.

We have 70 houses being built behind us. Unlike some of our neighbours I really have no problems with the idea of more houses per se. The ground was waste ground anyway. It wasn't attractive, it didn't improve the scenery. I did go to a planning meeting but I was embarrassed by the NIMBY attitude of some of the people living in this road. But what i don't like is that there are no new facilities being built. There is no where to go out near here, the pub up the hill is rough (to say the least). And new houses without facilities will lead to children playing on the road and all the other things that are bad. Yes build houses, but also build the support network that is needed.

Head Up

It should be pointed out however that the artists had strong competition. For one ops meeting it was not a singer who came to entertain us but a meerkat. There was a zoo on site as well as a farm (this is probably the first Greenbelt in over 15 years when I have not been called on for my veterinary knowledge). And someone thought it would be good to have a meerkat brought along for us to see. And to clamber on peoples shoulders.

So for Greenbelters who saw people with radios suddenly all face the sun, stand on anything that would get them higher, and put their hands just under their chins you now know that someone had called a "Meerkat moment" over channel. Oh we know how to have a good time!

Heaven In Ordinary

The theme for Greenbelt this year was "Heaven in Ordinary". I still think it a strange theme, but at least I managed to experience something that lived up to it.

Working as a Steward Manager and part of ops is fun, enjoyable and also sometimes weird. Certainly Greenbelt is very different for the small group of us involved at this level. And it can be very difficult to get to see things. There is now a policy that we should pick at least one thing and make sure we get to it. I failed to see Billy Bragg, who had been my choice, but I also feel that this is a bit fake anyway, setting a "target". I can enjoy Greenbelt without seeing a particular act because, to me, Greenbelt is about meeting with my friends and it is their friendship and us all working together that gives me strength and hope for the year ahead. The fact that a group of people from all kinds of walks of life can give of their time (Greenbelt is almost entirely run by volunteers) and work together to put on a festival for 17000-odd people constantly amazes me and it is wonderful to be part of that.

But, and this is the "Heaven in Ordinary" part, we are also lucky, indeed blessed in ops. Because we have an ops meeting just after lunch every day. And for the last couple of years one of the acts has come in and sung a couple of songs for us. This year we had Iain Archer on one day and Martyn Joseph on another, two singers who were top of my list to hear. I think it is reasonable to describe the ops meetings as "ordinary" (although a lot of the topics that arise aren't) and having a private gig for the 20-30 of us is certainly heaven.

Lost

OK, first things first, whoever you are admit it. I want to know.

I go to Greenbelt to look after the site and make sure everyone is safe, no-one has anything stolen. Then, when I am not looking, some tea-leaf steals three days off me. It's true. I went on Wednesday, I am now back home so it must be Tuesday. There is no way that there have been 5 days in between. So someone must have stolen them off me.

Although, I have an alternative explanation. When I went to Greenbelt the weather ahd been horrible. It is now also overcast. In addition it was the August bank holiday so it must have rained. Yet I now have a tan that I didn't have a week ago. Yes, there really is only one plausible explanation when you examine the facts. I must have been abducted by aliens.

{For those of you still somewhat confused this was a very long winded way of saying Greenbelt flew past in a blink}

Death Of The Bookworm

There are obviously different levels of sad. And this is sad in the same way as the country being taken over by hooligans etc. But it is still sad to see that one in four people didn't read a book last year. Admittedly that is in America, but I doubt the UK is much different. This is going to be a poor reading year for me because I have to learn a lot of lines as Master of the Lodge, but even so I will have read 6 books this year. Most years I probably read around 20 books, give or take a few. Almost every room in our house has books in it, I can't iagine a world without books.

Reading is so essential. It opens our eyes to other people and their emotions. It shows us different worlds. It lets our imagination go places that we will never be able to see in real life. Reading teaches us, let's us explore, it pushes our preconceptions and helps us realise that there is more. I really do feel sad for those who never pick up a book.

Ambulance Chasers

It amazes me that people get paid for some of the studies that get reported. So the longer your ambulance ride the more likely you are to die. And that is supposed to be surprising is it? Like black cats are more likely to be run over at night.

High Woods

Where the police have failed a group of cubs succeeded. These cubs defeated a drug ring by finding £23k of heroine stashed away in the woods.

I am still trying to work oout which badge this makes them eligible for? "Wood Sniffer" perhaps, "Nosey", "Far out"

I Should Have Guessed

They couldn't even wait. Oh no. It started before I even got there. Some people are already at Greenbelt. Some of us are still working (those of you who are bright can maybe see where this is going). There I am in a meeting this morning. Suddenly my phone rings. Always annoying but I have a few things on at the moment and need the mobile. So I answer. To hear "moooooo..........mooooooooo................mooooooooooo".

But I have 48 hours to plot my revenge.

What World Is THis?

No jokes, nothing funny to say. This is just very depressing. The police are here to protect us. A mob of 100-odd hooligans attack a police station because an illegal rave was stopped. I have nothing against illegal raves, let everyone have fun. But there is no excuse for attacking the police.

Moo Oink - Oh No

To fully understand why the entries for Friday 17th and Saturday 18th August worry me so much you have to appreciate my experiences at Greenbelt. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be a vet, and I am very happy to be involved with Greenbelt. But the two have a habit of colliding in spectacular manner. I have been asked to treat numerous pigeons (and one crow). I was called when someones rabbit was attacked by a fox (and I am still struggling with the concept of taking a rabbit to a festival). I have been asked to examine a cat found on a balcony (bit of a mystery, food and water in bowls, one cat on the fourth floor balcony, no owner). I have had to treat a goat kid, but thankfully not the camel (I have actually helped a camel give birth before now but not at Greenbelt, that's another story). And I receive the radio calls when a pig was spotted wandering around the camp-site (to which, I admit, it gave me great pleasure to be able to respond "I know"). I was also called when someone discovered a wasps nest, conversation going something like -

Control: "Merlin, we have a report of a wasps nest"
Me: "And why exactly are you telling me?"
Control: "You're a vet"
Me "OK, so I will take their pulse but I need someone to help hold the wings open"

I think the sarcasm was lost.

Not Chocolat, Carrots

A greek priest is accused of cutting the brake cables on a car and then later blowing it up. The reason being that he wrongly suspected the grocer of being his wifes illicit lover. Ignoring the fact that this could well be a novel by Joanne Harris there is something even more striking. And that is the response by the Greek Orthodox Church. Rather than condemning the priest, instead they have gone on record as saying what a shame it is that priests have so many problems getting a wife!

I believe in God, and as a believer it consistently amazes me that Christianity is so good at repeatedly shooting itself in the foot (or, in this case, stepping on a Molotov cocktail).

Got To Go

So the Conservatives have announced plans for cutting red tape. Which is all well and good. But what about those poor people who make red tape. There's going to be a lot of redundancies at the factory.

Scary (But Whose Fault)

I was listening to "Thought for the Day" this morning. Not my favourite bit of radio I admit, but it was that or practice my lines for the 2nd degree. Anyway the speaker (Annie somebody?) was commenting on the mystery of Madelaine. And she said that her 4 year old doesn't like to be left alone since Madelaine went missing. And my thought. Well to be honest I thought "what on earth have you done to get a 4 year old that worried". The news really shouldn't be that big an issue for a 4 year old. For one to not even like being left in bed at night then somebody must have been piling it on a bit, because a 4 year old won't have learnt it from the TV.

High Flyers

Congratulations to all those who got straight "A"s. But are the exams getting easier or are the pupils getting brighter? In fact I don't think that matters too much. What matters is that the exams definitely need to be recalibrated. With one in four getting top grades the distinction has been lost. What the universities and employers need to know is who are the real top performers. With no distinction it is impossible to tell. Everyone is the same. The more students getting the top grade then the less value the marks, even if they indicate a rise in the intelligence level (which I struggle to believe). And it is the students who suffer. Today they may be celebrating, but when they discover that the value of that piece of paper has been undermined then they will not be so pleased.